All work and no play ensures no fun! *** Tom's Chuckles are contributed by long lost and recently found funnyman - Tom Standish

 

 

 

"Beer Bottle Boys" will make your day a bit brighter!  Thanks to my good buddy John "measure twice, cut once" Guest.  HOY March 03, 2015

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - March 10, 2015  

 

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

 

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

 

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

 

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - March 11, 2015

 

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

 

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

 

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - March 12, 2015

 

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week"...

 

The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

 

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week"...

 

The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

 

A few minutes later, the frog pipes up "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!"...

 

The programmer smiles and walks on.

 

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

 

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - March 13, 2015

 

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

 

"Yes I do!"

 

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

 

"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."

 

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

 

"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."

 

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

 

"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."

 

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

 

"I'll pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

 

"Well, what if there ain't no poo in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

 

"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some poo on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - March 16, 2015

 

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.

 

"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

 

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

 

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - March 17, 2015

 

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

 

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

 

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - March 20, 2015

 

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

 

The accountant doesn't answer... The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

 

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

 

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is.The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

 

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

 

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

 

The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

 

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - March 24, 2015

 

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the way home he stopped and nodded off along the lane. Later in the night a wind came blowing by and blew his kilt up to his waist. Well, we all know what a real Scotsman wears under his kilt...

 

Early Sunday morning the 2 town spinsters came by and saw him laying there. "Prudence have you ever seen such a sight!" one exclaimed. "No I haven't Purity. He deserves some kind of punishment." as she searched her bag. "Here this should do it."

 

And she tied a ribbon around his manhood. "Serves him right" they huffed and continued on to church.

 

Later the Scotsman awoke and looked down at his member and saw the bright blue ribbon tied around it and said "Aye Laddie, I dunna know where ye been, but ye won ferst prize!."

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - March 26, 2015

 

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

 

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

 

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

 

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - April 10, 2015

 

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.

 

If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.

 

If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - April 14, 2015

 

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

 

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?"

 

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

 

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

 

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

 

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - April 15, 2015

 

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone.

 

Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. "Mommy, It's the minister," he said to his mother. From the kitchen Johnny's mom said, "Tell him I'll call him back."

 

Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - April 20, 2015

 

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates... Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

 

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

 

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

 

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

 

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

 

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

 

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

 

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles! - April 20, 2015

 

Boudreaux was a man who had worked hard all of his life, saved all his money and was a real miser when it came to spending it.

 

He told his wife, Marie, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take it to the afterlife with me."

 

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of his money in the casket with him.

 

Well, he finally died and was stretched out in the casket, Marie was sitting there in black, and her friend Claudia was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, Marie said, "Wait just a minute!"

 

She had a box with her and came over to the casket and put it in just before the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

 

Claudia said to her, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

 

The always loyal Marie replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian... I can't go back on my word... I promised Boudreaux that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

 

"You mean to tell me you actually put his money in that box and put it in the casket with him?"

 

"I sure did," said Marie. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check... If he can cash it, he can spend it."

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - April 23, 2015

 

Children in the backseat can cause accidents... Accidents in the backseat can cause children!

 

 

 

Tom's Chuckles - May 14, 2015

 

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

 

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

 

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."